Adventures of Sauvignon Blondes

Gastronomic heaven haven

Before I post Shock and Awe Part 3 I have to announce the sublime culinary delights awaiting the world outside metropolitan London at E&O in Notting Hill. The pic was our starter of rock shrimp tempura and chilli salt squid...mhhhhhhhhh.

So happy now.

The Shocking Truth(Shock and Awe Con'd)

“It’s my body and I’ll do as I please” he got up and left the table, by his stagger I could tell that he was very pissed and decided to leave it there for now. He would only get more belligerent if I said anything more.

“I think we’d better get going Finn” Mona said in a slightly embarrassed tone.

“Shall I call you a cab?” I asked

“No, we’ll just get one on the street – should be easy enough” Finn replied.

I could tell that they were dying to get out of there as the atmosphere was very charged and they had their own set of problems without joining in with ours.

Tony came back outside as Finn and Mona got up to leave.

“Not going are you mate?” Tony slurred in Finn’s general direction.

“Yes, afraid so, we have a lot to do tomorrow so Mona tells me”

“That’s right, the flat is a terrible mess and we will have to get up early and clean it from top to bottom, my mother is coming to stay” Mona said in a self-righteous manner.

Finn rolled his eyes in resignation – but not so Mona could see. His Sunday sounded bad enough as it was.

Tony and I saw them to the door and said goodbye. We then went back outside into the garden.

Tony poured himself another glass of wine and lit another fag.

“I’m sorry Tone, I didn’t mean to give you such a hard time in front of our friends” I said in a conciliatory voice

“Yes well, that was a bit embarrassing I have to say, I really think you should have kept that between ourselves – the last thing Finn and Mona want to do is come here for dinner and hear you going on about me getting pissed and coked up! It makes me sound like a real drughead and that’s just not the case, you really are exaggerating”

“Well that’s just how it seems to me, maybe it’s just cos I’m bored of being bloody sober all the time, anyhow I don’t think they minded much – made their relationship look like a bed of roses in comparison – I think Finn was secretly pleased as Mona is always going on about how late he stays out and you made him look like the perfect husband”

“I’m going to bed, I’m knackered” I got up from the table

“Ok, I’ll just have one more glass of wine and a last cigarette before bed”

“I thought you already did that?”

“Oh bloody hell Charlotte, just go to bed and leave me alone”

“I will don’t you worry, but don’t bother to get into bed with me tonight, you will stink of fags and booze and snore like a pig”

“Fine I won’t then, I’ll sleep in the office as usual” he snapped “sorry we don’t live in a bigger house and then you could have your own wing”

The office had a double bed in it and it led into the garden through French doors.

“I’ll leave the office door open so that I can hear you go to bed, just so that I know for sure you have locked the French doors”

“I'll lock them, don’t be ridiculous”

“Yeah, right, you always forget and leave them open all night long and anyone could walk in and murder us in our beds, you sleep so heavily you wouldn’t even notice and I can’t sleep thinking the doors might be open, I’ll just stay awake until I hear you lock them”

“Oh alright then but you are just being silly”

“Night then”

“Night”

I went into our bedroom which I mostly slept in alone these days, Tony was often so late home and so pissed that he invariably crashed in the office, the thought of the smell of fags, stale booze and sweat made me feel sick and I couldn’t bear him to put his arms around me when he was in that state, and he always wanted to when he was in that state. It was like being mounted by a snorting wild boar except I supposed that they probably smelt better! I must have been very bad in a previous life.

I lay awake listening in the darkness for the sound of a door closing and a key being turned in the lock but no sound came, he had been outside for ages and it was now 1am, what could he be doing out there on his own? My curiosity got the better of me and I quietly got out of bed and tiptoed down the hall towards the office. The door was shut! Why had Tony done that when I had specifically said to leave it open, an alarm bell rang in my head and my chest constricted. Still I convinced myself it was just the random action of a shit-faced Kiwi git.

I noiselessly opened the office door half expecting to see Tony lying on his back like something that should have a harpoon stuck in it, snoring his head off but the room was dark and silent. I crept to the French doors, they had wooden blinds hanging in front of them and I held a couple of slats between my fingers and opened a chink wide enough to see through. From my vantage point I had a clear view of the table and of Tony’s outline sitting at it.

I saw a sudden flash of light and thought that he must be lighting yet another cigarette, but the light stayed constant. What was that? It must be the light from his mobile phone, I saw his fingers moving. He was sending a text. Now who the hell would he be texting at 1am?

I threw open the door, thinking that if it was innocent he would carry on texting but if the phone suddenly disappeared under the table then I should be bloody worried…

The phone disappeared!

“Who were you texting?” I asked, my voice shaking “and don’t try and pretend you weren’t because I saw you through the window”

“Jack as if it’s any of your bloody business”

“What were you texting to Jack at 1am in the morning?”

“It’s nothing important, just stuff”

“Oh ok then, hand me the phone and I’ll have a look, if it’s nothing important than you won’t mind, will you?”

“It’s a private text and I’m not fucking showing it to you”

“Ok, if you don’t hand over the phone right now, then it’s obvious to me that you’ve something to hide”

“I’ve nothing to fucking hide Charlotte, it’s just got nothing to do with you, it’s the same old shit about Jack and Sarah, they’re still seeing each other and Jack doesn’t know what to do, if you must fucking know”

“Fine, hand the phone over then” I said, putting out my hand

“Fuck off”

“Nice! You think my head’s buttoned up the back – obviously. I have to conclude that you are having an affair then”

“What?!”

“You’re obviously having an affair since you won’t let me see the phone and if you’re having an affair you can fuck off!”

“You fuck off, and stop being so fucking nuts!”

“One last chance – hand me the phone!”

“I said – Fuck Off!”

“Fine, I am going back to bed and as far as I am concerned you are a lying, cheating shit and our marriage is over!”

Shaking I came back inside and with a wave of anger and hurt washing over me I turned and locked the French doors to the garden, leaving Tony outside!

Tony tried the handle and when he found it locked he started banging on the doors.

“Let me in you bitch!”

“No, our marriage is over and you can sleep in the Wendy House for all I fucking care”.

He hammered even harder, so hard I thought that the glass was going to break. I felt like I was going to throw up.

“Fucking let me in!”

I heard a small voice behind me…

“Mummy why are you shouting? Your shouting woke me up, why is Daddy in the garden?”

I turned round and saw Caitlin looking very small and very frightened with big wide eyes.

“Sorry darling, it’s all fine, don’t worry about anything, Mummy and Daddy just had a little argument but it’s all fine now”

I unlocked the door and let Tony in.

“See what you’ve done, you’ve woken Caitlin and frightened her”

“I think that was just as much your fault as mine!”

“Come on sweetheart, Mummy will tuck you back into bed, it’s all alright now, I’m so sorry we woke you up”

I picked Caitlin up with a feeling like someone had reached inside my ribcage and twisted my heart in their fist. My whole body was shaking as I laid her on her bed and tucked the covers around her, I kissed her and held her very, very tight.

“You’re hurting me Mummy”

“Sorry darling, sorry, sleep tight now my darling, sweet dreams”

“Ok Mummy, is everything alright?”

“Yes my love, everything is fine”.

I got back into bed without even looking at Tony and turned out the light, my eyes wide open in the dark. My mind was racing and I knew there was no way I was sleeping at all that night.

10 minutes later Tony got on the bed next to me, I couldn’t believe his gall.

“Are you still accusing me of having an affair Char or am I forgiven?” he said in honeyed tones, ones he used when he thought he could get me to forgive him for his latest misdemeanour, not this time.

“Don’t talk to me like I’m some sort of delusional nutter, I’m not stupid!”

“I know you’re not darling, but come on you are over-reacting a little don’t you think? Here’s my phone, you can check it all you like and see for yourself if I am having an ‘affair’”

“Now you really are making me angry, don’t you think I know that you have had the last 10 minutes to delete any incriminating messages you may have had on there”

“I swear to you, it was just Jack – here see for yourself” he thrust the phone under my nose.

“I am not even going to pretend that I am that fucking stupid Tony so don’t even try it – ok?”

Even as I said this I was thinking that maybe I had over reacted, maybe my mind was playing tricks on me and maybe, just maybe it was all as innocent as he claimed.

Did I really think that Tony was cheating on me? He was always after me for sex, he told me how great I looked reasonably often, he told me that all he did when he went out was bore everyone else about how wonderful I was, would he really do all this and then sleep with someone else. I just didn’t know anymore, my head was like a tumble drier.

I decided to go with my instincts.

“Go away and leave me alone, I don’t want to speak to you – go text your fucking girlfriend and let me sleep, you’ve caused me enough misery for one night”

“There’s no talking to you is there? Fine, have it your way but you’re so barking up the wrong tree.”

“Whatever, just go will you?”

He got up off the bed and left the room, bumping into more than one item of furniture as he went.

I lay awake all night, imagining the worst, not sure what I would do if the worst were to become a reality. I was six month’s pregnant for Christ’s sake – where would that leave me and the baby that was growing inside me…

After a night where I longed for sleep to come, the morning came around far too quickly. It wasn’t long before Tony came into the bedroom again.

“We need to talk Charlotte” he said, his face an unreadable mask.

“I don’t really see that we have anything else to talk about Tony, do you?”

He took a deep breath – Melodramatic being his Christian name!

“Ok, here’s the deal, I have been having a bit of a flirtation with a girl at the office called Annika, she and I have been out a few times for drinks after work and we have a bit of a texting thing going on, but that’s it, I swear it”

“Annika? Annika? I know Annika, that is the worst lie I’ve ever heard, she’s some gawky, plain German girl at your office, she was at that scungie barbeque we went to in the summer at Trailer Park Trash Sarah’s place.

“Yes that’s her, I know it sounds silly but I don’t even fancy her”

“I can’t say I blame you…”

“She has a boyfriend and we haven’t even slept together”

I started to cry, I was tired and none of this made any sense

“I’m sorry Tony I don’t understand any of this, why would you do this to me? We don’t have a bad marriage do we?”

“No, we don’t, I’m really happy with you, I don’t know why I did this, I am really, really sorry”

“But I just don’t believe a word of it, why would you have a flirtation with a girl you don’t even fancy? I can’t cope with this right now…”

“You can ring her up and ask her if you like, check my story”

“Yes, ok I will do that, I would like to get this straight in my head”

We sat in silence for a moment, I had tears streaming down my face and I couldn’t speak.

“Listen Char, I’m going to go and get a coffee from Starbucks, would you like one and one of your favourite muffins?”

“I can’t eat anything, I feel sick but get me a coffee”

Tony got up and left, taking his mobile phone as usual – I had grown to hate the fact that he always made phone calls outside of the flat, I should have been paying more attention to who he was calling, I could see that now. Caitlin was watching TV and I felt close to breaking down. I shut myself in the bathroom and the tears came thick and fast. I was sobbing so hard that I didn’t hear Tony return.

5 minutes later I came out of the bathroom, my eyes red and puffy from crying.
Tony was sitting out in the garden with his warm vanilla milk (freak) and my double shot wet latte.

“Charlotte, come outside, I need to talk to you”

His voice sounded strange, distant somehow. I stepped out into the garden.

“What is it?”

“I’m in love with another woman…”

I heard the words but they didn’t really register, I felt like this was happening to someone else, how could this be happening to me?”

“Who, who can you be in love with? I thought you loved me?”

“I do love you, but I fell In love with someone else, at least I think I did”

“But why were you falling in love with someone else, why did you put yourself in that position, we are having a baby”

“I didn’t choose it, it was a mistake, I didn’t want it to happen”

“Bullshit! Falling in love with someone else is not a mistake. Doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is a mistake, who the fuck is it?”

“Her name is Lara and she lives in Glasgow”

“Glasgow? How did you meet her?”

“Stuart introduced us at The Groucho Club, she was the copywriter on one of the jobs I did through his Production Company in Scotland”

“How old is she” – crucial question.

“40, she isn’t nearly as attractive as you, if you put the two of you together there would be no comparison”

“Mmmm interesting, aren’t you supposed to leave me for someone younger and prettier, not older and uglier?”

“I can’t explain it, something just happened between us, a connection – you know”

“Yeah I know, the connection is called a hole, you stuck your cock in it – that’s the connection you mean”

“No, it’s not just about the sex, there’s more to it than that”

“More to it than 15 years, a 5 year old daughter and a new baby due in 3 months – more than that?”

“I don’t know I can’t explain it”

“So, is she single?”

“No she’s married too, married with 4 children”

“Oh my god, we are living in a fucking episode of Eastenders, you have got to be kidding me, you have lost your fucking mind”

“I know it sounds crazy but I can’t help myself, I think I’m in love with her”

“Are you in love with her or do you just think you are – it makes a big difference”

“Well you wouldn’t want to be with me now anyway would you so what does it matter?”

“I, in case you hadn’t noticed, am in a fairly compromising position, it makes a big difference to me whether you are in love with her or not. I guess you need to decide before we can even discuss anything further”

“I need to go for a walk, I’ll be back in 5 minutes, I need to think”

“Yeah you fucking think - arsehole”

He left the flat clutching his mobile phone like a lifeline – again. He had been gone 10 seconds when I touched his computer and the screen sprang to life. Shaking, I went straight to his address book and typed the word “Lara” in. At once Lara Cruff-Doyle came onto the screen with phone numbers in Glasgow and in Mallorca - that was her alright. I wrote them down on a piece of paper and stuck them in my desk drawer and went and lay down in the bedroom – feeling numb and exhausted.

When Tony returned he came to find me. He looked agitated, obviously his phone conversation had shaken him up somewhat.

“Does her husband know?”

“No he knows nothing, we weren’t going to tell either of you, we were going to finish it when the baby came. We thought that we wouldn’t see each other for a few years and then if we still felt the same way when our second child was a bit older then we would get together then – you weren’t supposed to find out”

“Oh how very inconvenient for you, that was considerate, you’d treat me like shit for another few years and then fuck off, mmmmm nice.”

“Is her name Lara Cruff-Doyle?”

All the colour drained from his face I noticed with not a small amount of satisfaction.

“Yes, why?”

“Because I have all her numbers, at home, mobile, in Mallorca – very nice you always did want a house in Mallorca, obviously thought this was an easy way to get one rather than having to work for it. I thought perhaps her husband ought to know what you two have been up to – I don’t see why I should be the only one to suffer.”

I watched in fascination as Tony’s face changed from confused to furious, it felt good to have some control back. His face contorted as he spoke.

“I would seriously advise you not to contact her husband.”

“Oh would you, and why should I do anything you say – ever again?”

“Because if this situation is taken to its conclusion it would be better for you – financially, if he didn’t know about me”

“Sorry I don’t follow…”

“Because if they split up and he knows she has someone else, then he is likely to give her less money – which of course means you get less…”

“You complete shite, you already have it all worked out, I cannot believe you got me fucking pregnant and now you are going to leave me. How long has this been going on?”

“Since December last year…”

I felt like he had kicked me in the stomach with football boots on as the realisation dawned.

“Whhhat? I wasn’t pregnant in December last year, I didn’t get pregnant until January, you started an affair and then you deliberately got me pregnant? We went away on holiday to France and had sex every day, you knew I would get pregnant and you still let it happen. I thought we had a wonderful romantic holiday and now I discover you were seeing someone else, I feel sick….”

“It wasn’t supposed to continue, it was just supposed to be once and that was it, I just couldn’t stop it. We did have a wonderful holiday, I loved that holiday – our baby was conceived in love…”

“Hello, is there a sentient human being beneath the shite that you are spewing out of your mouth? Now I really am going to vomit, conceived in love? You freak, you were fucking some other woman, some home wrecking whore and you went ahead and got me pregnant, why didn’t you make an excuse, you’re really good at those. Why didn’t you say that you wanted to leave it 6 months, or tell me you’d changed your mind and didn’t want another child – anything rather than do this?”

“I don’t know, I wish I had, I so wish I had, I just never expected it to get this far…”

“You’re an absolute child Tony, you don’t ever see the consequences do you? Now look who’s left in the shit – me, not you as per fucking usual. Are you honestly telling me she’s going to leave her husband and come and live with you and her 4 kids in a 2 bedroom rented flat in Kentish Town – cos that’s all you’re gonna be able to afford mate!”

“We haven’t even thought about the logistics but that won’t be the case – you don’t know who they are but her husband has a lot of money and so she will have a lot of money, she probably won’t ever leave him though.”

“Ahhhh, now this is all starting to make sense, work hasn’t exactly been coming in thick and fast Tone now has it? Fed up of wondering how you are ever going to afford to move to that big house? Now I see what you find attractive about that older, uglier multi-millionairess!”

He became furious and started shouting.

“It’s not about the fucking money, it is so not about that.”

“Yeah Tone, you hate money don’t you, always have done. You’re not dressed head to toe in Gucci and dreaming of driving a red Ferrari half the time are you – you prick? Of course it’s not about the money honey, and you needn’t think that anybody else will think that it is either… I’m sure they’ll all believe that you left your pregnant wife and child for love! Pathetic, completely pathetic, you were always like this, you have to be in the middle of your own Mills and Boon romance, you can’t just have had an affair like everybody else.”

I walked into the living room and picked up the phone, Tony was hot on my heels.

“Put the fucking phone down, you are not calling her husband, you are making a big mistake.”

I walked back into the bedroom again – away from Caitlin who was fortunately still engrossed in Tom and Jerry.

“I’ve already made the big mistake – marrying you, I’m not calling her husband you pathetic little worm, I’m calling the Foetal Medicine Centre to see if I can get an abortion!”

“You can’t be serious Charlotte, you can’t get rid of our baby.”

“Please, you complete Cretin, do you think I want to bring a child into this crock of shit, poor little fucker, it wasn’t supposed to be like this, my life was not supposed to be like this. I was supposed to get married to the man I loved and have children we both loved and live happily ever after – I do not deserve this pile of crap.”

“I know you don’t. You of all people don’t I know that. You’ve been unselfish and loyal to me and you don’t deserve any of this. Oh Charlotte I don’t even know if this is what I want”

I was sobbing again now and holding on to my stomach as there was a stabbing pain there that was twisting like a knife. It was almost as if the baby knew what I was thinking.

“Well perhaps you had better think about that. You know what? I can’t stand anymore of this, I have to get out of here. I am supposed to be meeting my mum for lunch in half an hour, I’ll take Caitlin and you can just think about what you have done to us – you evil, evil man.”

Caitlin came into the bedroom at that moment, clutching something in her hand.

“Happy Father’s Day Daddy” she said, her pretty smiling face clouded slightly with confusion.

I’d forgotten completely – well you would wouldn’t you.

“Yeah Happy Father’s Day – to the best Daddy in the whole wide world” I said sarcastically but inside my heart was breaking. “Come on honey, Daddy has work to do, we’ll go and meet Gama for lunch and you can have pizza and coke as a treat”.

We got our shoes and coats on and Caitlin grabbed her scooter and we left the flat.

The sky looked ominously dark overhead.

Shock and Awe - part 2

8.15 pm. I fed Caitlin, gave her a quick wash and helped her into her new Spiderman pyjamas. As I took her outside to say goodnight to everyone I was already feeling stressed.

“Caitlin’s come to say goodnight”

“Goodnight” she said shyly.

“Goodnight” everyone replied in unison. I took her through to her bedroom and tucked her up in bed.

“Night mama, I love you and you’re my best friend”

“I love you more” I said kissing her velvet forehead.

“We love each other both the same” we said smiling simultaneously. Our bedtime mantra complete I kissed her and tucked her into her Batman duvet and came back outside to join our guests.

Paul and Juliette had arrived with their very new baby – Charlie, and I gave them a kiss hello.

“Can I have a cuddle?” I asked Juliette, holding my arms out to little Charlie. He was only a month old and very cute.

As I cuddled Charlie I noticed Tony scowling. The barbeque was just about ready and he was getting impatient. “He’s been chain smoking Marlboro’s and downing bottles of Bud since we arrived” said Juliette as I handed Charlie back.

I walked over to the BBQ to help carry the food to the table.

“Alright darling?” I said stroking his cheek. He huffed. And walked to the table.

We all sat down and I poured myself a large glass of wine. I needed it.

The conversation flowed and the evening was going well, everyone talking, eating and laughing in the fading warmth of the summer sunshine.

But as the night progressed Tony’s regular disappearance from the table became an embarrassing non talking point. I kept looking up and discovering him gone – again.

I got up from the table a couple of times to see where he had gone, checking the bathroom first, but he was nowhere to be found. I knew he’d had too much to drink and thought he might be feeling ill but if he was throwing up it wasn’t in the loo. I couldn't think where he had gone. Our flat wasn’t huge so I was a bit bemused. I forgot about it as Juliette stood up from the table yawning.

“Would you ring us a cab darling, I’m really tired?” she asked me.

“Of course, do you have to go so early?”

“Sadly yes love, we should really get Charlie to bed or he’ll start to lose it”

“Oh ok then hon, of course – bloody kids eh?”

“Yeah right, I blame you!” she said, a recurring joke we had.

“Yes, you’re right it’s all my fault!” I agreed.

I went inside to grab the phone. I called them a cab and could see Juliette at the door struggling as she tried to get Charlie into his sleep suit and buggy. Paul, having consumed two bottles of his favoured Ridge pinot  noir, was watching and swaying more than a little. Juliette bit her lip and ignored him. There would be little use in asking him as he could have probably have done with a hand getting ready himself. I bent down to help her.

”Will you be ok love, you seem a bit stressed?” Juliette whispered in my ear as she kissed me goodbye.

“I’m fine, Tony’s just having a weird one tonight.”

Tony appeared apparently to say goodbye.

“See ya mate,” he embraced Paul and slapped him on the back – very Kiwi!

“Bye Juliette, thanks for coming darling” he kissed her on the lips.

“Thanks for the lovely food as ever, almost as good as my Paul’s cooking!” Juliette said.

“I wouldn’t remember!” Tony retorted

“Hey, that’s not bloody fair we’re always asking you over but you are always too busy on some work meeting or other,” Paul replied

“Mmmm, is that the same kind of work meeting that you go on Paul? The kind that involves 5 pints down the pub?” Juliette chipped in with a slight edge to her voice.

“Oh Tony’s are a lot more “Advertising” than that, I think you’ll find. They normally start with a few pints in the Century Club but quite quickly end up as bottles of expensive wine and grams of white powder being shoved up already collapsing nostrils in some trendy media private members club!” I added.

“Ooh as much as I’d love to stay and watch the fight I think that’s our cab, come on Paul.” Juliette and Paul gathered up Charlie and all his related paraphernalia, blew everyone a kiss and left.

As we sat back down Finn and Mona were looking a little uncomfortable. They know Tony well enough to know trouble was in the air. 

“That’s a bit harsh Charlotte” Tony exclaimed.

“Do you really think so? I wish I could say that I agreed with you” I replied.

“He’s not that bad Charlotte, I think you are definitely exaggerating, I’m a lot worse than him” Finn laughingly interjected as he tried to defuse the mounting tension.

“Well thanks for that Finn but last time I looked you weren’t living here with him, I would just like to say that I am 6 months pregnant and whilst I am not expecting Tony to stop drinking for 9 months and stay home every night, it would be nice if he took my situation into account just the tiniest little bit and didn’t go out 5 nights a week getting totally shit-faced and staggering in at 6am!”

“I don’t know how you put up with him to be honest Charlotte, Finn is bad but there is no way in a million years I would let him behave like Tony does – I would go completely mad” Mona said. Mona had a venomous ability to talk about people as if they were not present. Tony was feeling the heat.

“You’re probably right Mona, I have been far too easy going I think and I am most definitely paying the price now,”

I looked at Tony, “you just don’t really give a shit do you?”

“That’s not true, you always used to go on about me not networking enough when we lived in Edinburgh, well now I’m fucking networking all the time and you don’t like it!” He smirked. I wanted to kick his reconstructed teeth back in his head.

“I don’t know you anymore, do you know that? You are never home, you have friends I’ve never met and that you never invite me out with – and on top of that you keep going on about getting some tasteless Maori tattoo on your upper arm!”

“You don’t like going out with me. All we do is stand up in some really smoky pub, you hate cigarette smoke and you always insist on having to eat something and you know that’s not what our nights out are like!” he replied

“Mmmm, that’s because you have all stuck so much of that white shit up your nostrils that you have no appetite!”

“And as for the tattoo – I don’t see what you think that has got to do with it –  it's my body”

“It’s so trailer park!”

“You forget, I am trailer park” he replied.

“I know that’s your roots but I wasn’t aware that was what you were aspiring to these days. Oh yes darling, Prada they’re so Chav these days, I’m out of touch!” I said, looking down at his feet.

“I am part Maori and proud of it, I want a Maori warrior band tattooed around my arm to show my roots!”

“That is the biggest pile of pretentious shite I have ever heard – and you know it, you have been denying your ‘Maori roots’ for as long as I have known you, it’s 10 years since your Maori birth mother got in touch and you’ve thrown away everyone of her letters – unopened. What would you do if your relations ever got out of jail and decided to come visit! And anyway, if you were seriously thinking of tattooing your upper arm, I would recommend getting a bit of muscle definition on it first. There’s nothing more disgusting than a tattoo on flabby flesh! I just can’t understand why you’d want to do something permanent to yourself that your wife finds physically revolting – it makes no sense…”

Tony sat glaring at me. The silence was punctuated by his phone ringing. He stood up and stormed off.

Shock and Awe - part 1

Friday night in June. Caitlin ate her lunch and I settled down for a rest. I was starting to feel very weary and wished the pregnancy was over now. God it seemed like I’d been pregnant forever.

9pm Caitlin drifted off.

Amazingly Tony arrived home at a reasonable time. I’d bought some food so he grilled a bit of chicken and steamed a few mange touts.

We finished the meal and I longed for more nourishment.

“Thanks Tone, but is that all we’re having? I’ll need a bit more food I think, that wasn’t enough for me and the baby”

“Oh sorry Charlotte, I forgot you’d need a bit more, I’m on a diet so am trying to be good”

“Don’t worry that’s fine, I’ll have some cheese or something”. Diet, Tony? Why? I wondered. Yes he was fat but so was I. 

“The weather’s supposed to be good on Saturday, shall we do a barbeque?” he asked changing the subject.

“Yes that would be lovely, shall we ask Fin and Mona?”

“Mmm, we haven’t seen them in ages and maybe Pete and Juliet, they all get on don’t they?”

“Yeh I think so, you give Fin a call and I’ll ring Jules”.

They could all make it so we arranged for everyone to arrive about 7pm whilst the day was still quite warm. Our outside terrace was sheltered and was a lovely place to sit of a summer’s evening. It was mid-June and it had been a lovely few days. As it turned out the weather held for Saturday’s BBQ. Sunday was Father’s Day.

Caitlin and I spent Friday afternoon making Tony a card. I found a picture of them together and she cut it out and stuck it on to some stiff paper and drew a pretty border round the outside. She then wrote

“To the best Daddy in the whole world XXXXXXXXX” inside.

I felt guilty as I thought – the best dad, God I hope not. But I knew Tony would be over the moon.

Tony and I shopped for food on Saturday. To my surprise he bought most of the meat ready skewered and marinated, he never did this as he always prided himself on making everything himself – sometimes to the most irritating degree!

“Have you got a lot on today hon?”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just I’m surprised you’re not making your own marinade like you usually do”

“For Fuck’s sake Charlotte give me a break will you, I don’t really have time for this barbeque”

“Oh, sorry – well why did you suggest it then?”

“Because I thought it would be nice ok? But does it really matter if I don’t make every fucking thing myself for once?”

“No, no of course not, I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just that you are normally so anti that, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that at all, I can help you if you want”

“Yes, yes ok, we’ll work out who’s doing what when we get back, I have to pop out and get a few things for work so if you could make a start that would be good”

“Oh, oh yes, sure”

We returned to the flat and Tony barked instructions at me on preparing the food and swiftly left. I sat down with my head in my hands.

“What’s the matter mummy?” Caitlin asked in a worried tone.

“Nothing darling, nothing at all, mummy’s just tired with the baby, that’s all – I’ll be ok don’t worry”.

I pulled myself to my feet and stacked the wine and beer in the fridge, then I got to work preparing the food. I had just about finished all the preparation when Tony returned home, hot and sweaty from riding his bike. He came into the kitchen and opened the fridge, he poured himself a large glass of water which he drank down in one, then grabbed a bottle of Kim Crawford and took it out.

“Have we got any cold wine, this is fucking hot”

“Who are you? Mariah fucking Carey? I only put it in an hour or so ago, it’s not like you to start so early anyway, I’ll put a couple of bottles in the freezer”.

“Don’t bother, it’s fine, I’ll wait – how did you get on with the food?”

“All done”, I said cheerily, trying to avoid the argument that I felt Tony was provoking.

“Thanks, I’ll go and tidy up outside”

He went out the French doors into the garden. Immediately he made a call on his mobile and his tone became conspiratorial. I didn’t even bother to ask who it was this time.

Tony lit the barbeque.

Ten minutes later Fin and Mona arrived. I gave Fin a bottle of Stella and he went outside to chat to Tony. Mona and I chatted in the kitchen whilst I prepared Caitlin’s dinner.

“So how are you feeling? You’re looking well…” Mona said

“Yes I’m feeling really well thanks. How are things going at Wild at Heart?” Mona worked at a trendy Florist in Notting Hill.

“Oh ok, it’s tiring but I’m just going to hold on until Christmas, when I think I’ll have learnt enough to start up on my own”

“Oh that’s great Mona, they really do work you hard there though don’t they…”

Tony came in from outside.

“Are you going to lay the table?” he barked accusingly.

“Well I will when I have a minute darling, or shall I not bother giving Caitlin dinner tonight?” I paused holding Caitlin’s dinner.

“As far as I can see you are just standing around gossiping!”

He stomped back outside again.

“Sorry about that Mona” I muttered “I just don’t know what’s the matter with him at the moment”

I hastily started pulling cutlery out of the drawer.

“Here let me do that, you see to Caitlin”

Serena's shocker

It’s been a while since I blogged; difficult times.

Friday night I went out with Colette and Serena for dinner. Colette has had a text from Dom saying “are you out tonight?” and she replies “out with the Pussy Posse in da hood,”

“mmmm Pussy Posse, think I’d like that” he replies,

“You would, Charlotte is here” she texts. “Send her over!” he retorts.

“Not tonight- she’s all mine” and she turns her phone onto silent so we can chat. Serena my Black Russian friend from East Ham was in discovery mode. Her partner of 4 years left her 18 months ago for a famous triathlete, nicknamed The Body and Serena was ready to put her body on trial again.

Serena’s tale is another shocker, her loving partner adored her so much he sewed name tapes into all her clothes with the words “I love you” printed onto them and begged her to have his baby. Serena had always sworn she would only have a child when she was with the man with whom she would spend the rest of her life and she felt confident that Dicky was the one.

Each month when she got her period, he wept and they held each other hoping that next time they would be lucky. After 6 months she fell pregnant and knowing Dicky would be overjoyed, Serena couldn’t wait for him to come home from work. When he came in the door she could no longer contain herself and told him her wonderful news, she felt a sickening feeling as she looked at him and saw the colour drain from his face.

He looked at her and whispered “I can’t do this honey”.

Serena screamed “You fucking what? What do you mean you can’t fucking do this? We’ve been trying for a fucking baby for 6 fucking months, you have cried in my arms each time it didn’t happen, I don’t fucking get this but one thing I am fucking telling you is that whether you are going somewhere or nowhere, I’m having this fucking baby. I’m 33 years old and I’ve waited until it was right and you told me this was right. So watch me I’m having this fucking baby –together or not!” Dicky was speechless, he couldn’t look Serena in the eye and he turned and walked away. She sobbed but he couldn’t console her and she wasn’t understanding why.
For the next few weeks he behaved like absolutely nothing had happened. He was solicitous of her needs, insisted she rested, made her food and when she was hungry and generally behaving like the perfect expectant father and because she wanted to believe that everything was ok she doesn’t ask.

The day of the birth arrived and he was there by her side holding her hand, rubbing her back, and murmured soothing words into her ear. She felt on top of the world when she finally gave birth to her beautiful pale chocolate coloured baby boy with eyelashes that brushed his cheeks, she cried tears of joy and didn’t think life could be any more perfect. Dicky took picture after picture on his digital camera of his beautiful son. They took Jack home and settled in to enjoy the early days of his life together as a family.

One day, Serena decided to print off some of the photos that Dicky had been taken of her and Jack.

“Dicky babe, ‘ow do I print off these pictures of Jack an’ me?”

“Rena it’s easy - look,” he took hold of the mouse and demonstrated “you just drag and drop, drag and drop, then you go up here and click print, then click ok and Bob’s your uncle innit”

“Alright babe, here goes” She sat intently dragging and dropping in silence, punctuated only by the occasional “Ahhhh” when she came across a particularly cute photo of Jack, all of a sudden she stopped…

“Babe? Who’s this?” She felt the blood drain out of her and she shivered, a premonition of something bad. She could be wrong. Staring out from the screen was a shot of a handsome black woman, smiling coyly, she knew that fucking face.

Holiday Hell

It was Wednesday and I was lost in thought as I sat scanning a mother and baby web site.

Tony interrupted my reverie,

“So can I leave it to you to sort the holiday Charlotte?”

“What? Oh yes, I suppose so, I didn’t know if you wanted to book anything just yet until you knew if you had some more work coming in – I thought we were a bit strapped for cash at the mo?”

Tony got quite arsey with me a few weeks previously when I’d mentioned our summer holiday, so I hadn’t brought it up again.

“We aren’t exactly flush but I’m supposed to hear about that hair job on Tuesday and I’m the Agency’s choice of Director so it should be fine, anyway I need a holiday”

“Ok, I’ll check it out, where do you fancy going?”

“Let’s go to our usual place.”

That was La Cala San Vicenc in Mallorca, a place we’d been going to for five years.

“But we could go to Ibiza and stay at Maria and Farook’s place”. Maria and Farook’s were friends of our close friend Fin whom we had known for 13 years, Like Libby we met him in Edinburgh. Fin now lived in London with his wife, Mona.

We had recently had lunch at Fin and Mona’s.  Maria and Farook were there with their kids and they had kindly extended an invitation to us to stay at their beautiful house in Ibiza that summer.

“Are you sure that Maria and Farook are ok with that?”

“Yeah, they said they were, didn’t they? I’ll call Fin and check but I’m pretty sure it’s no problem”

“Ok I’ll look into it hon, didn’t you say you wanted to spend a few days in Palma too?”

“Yeh that’s right, see if you can work out how we do that, Mallorca and Ibiza are quite close, maybe we can get a boat or something”

“Yeah, lovely”

I said this whilst making a face that was meant to convey extreme nausea.

“I can’t wait to be on a boat at 8 months pregnant, lurching from one Baleriac island to another, cast iron constitution me!”

“You get sea sick on the Dover-Calais ferry Charlotte”

“It can be bloody choppy you know, I’ve spent too many hours on the floor of that ferry’s  ladies loo to mention, maybe I could fly and meet you there?”

“Don’t be such a bloody wuss, it’ll be ok”

“Alright, alright, but I’m just warning you, don’t wear your pink suede Patrick Cox loafers !”

“Are Laura and your Mum coming with us?” Laura was another wonderful friend that I’d made in our Edinburgh days. She was in her late fifties and had been like a surrogate mother to me when we had lived there and looked after me when Caitlin was small and Tony was away on one of his many trips.

“Well yes, if you are ok with that?”

“Yeah, yeah that’s fine but I wouldn’t mind just being on our own for the couple of days in Palma.”

“Sounds lovely – very romantic darling” I smiled.

“Oh and it would be good if you can take the time off work if we can stay a few extra days in Mallorca after Laura and your mum have gone home.”

“Just the three of us, that would be a nice idea, you won’t want to cycle up that bloody hill every day though after Laura and Mum have gone will you?” I said jokingly.

“Well yes I would actually” he said aggressively.

“But hon, you’ll have spent two weeks cycling and diving as much as you like, I thought you wanted the extra days for us just to do stuff together as a family, you’re remembering that I will be 4 weeks away from giving birth and won’t find it that easy to entertain Caitlin in the pool on my own, I may be causing some serious water displacement!”

“It’s my bloody holiday too you know!”

I was so gob-smacked that for a second I couldn’t even speak, I was overcome by anger and frustration.

“Your bloody holiday too, you’re fucking joking aren’t you? Every time we go away in the summer, Laura, Mum and I look after Caitlin so you can do whatever extreme sport you are into this year and nearly fucking kill yourself and I never complain about it, am even happy to let you do your thing, but this is ridiculous, you can’t expect me to look after Caitlin on my own at 8 months pregnant whilst you cycle up a mountain every bloody day, excuse my naivete but I thought you wanted the extra few days for us to spend some time on our own together which we never do any more!” I paused for a moment…

“You know fucking what, have the extra few days on your own – because as far as I’m concerned that’s no fucking holiday, I would be better off in London with my family and friends around to help me, I’ll have to get a special letter from the doctor to even fly at that stage, not that you give a flying fuck. I may even give birth while you are still on holiday, never mind eh- I can always email you a photo!.”

I thought after this he’d think twice about his decision but he seemed unmoved.

“Ok then, if that’s ok with you I’ll just stay on my own, probably for the best anyway as you say”.

I couldn’t believe that he actually wanted to do this and was prepared to let me travel back home alone at 8 months pregnant with a 5 year old to look after but I saw that it was no use talking to him about it. I was beginning to think that I didn’t even want to spend any part of the holiday with him.

“I’m going into Soho now Charlotte, see you later.”

I didn’t reply, I didn’t even bother to ask if he would be late home, everything seemed to be going wrong somehow, how did my life become like this? Tony was behaving so selfishly that I was starting to wish he would go away and never come back. I started to fantasise about what life would be like if he were dead. The mortgage would be paid off and I’d have about £100k in the bank, I would definitely have to go back to work after this baby but never mind that would be fine. Maybe I’d meet someone else, someone who wasn’t completely selfish and self obsessed, who wanted to do things together with me…Someone I fancied…

The phone rang and I was jolted out of my fantasy. It was my boss. We went through diary dates for the next couple of weeks and had a brief chat. I then set to work to try and work out a travel itinerary for our summer holiday. It was always left to me to organise any holiday we ever had, generally at the last minute. Tony was either too busy or not there and invariably once it was all booked it had to be changed due to some work commitment or other. It would be lovely if he would do it all for a change – dream on Charlotte!

After a couple of hours research on the internet, in between doing my day job and before I had to dash off and pick Caitlin up from school, I had managed to put together what I thought was a pretty nice holiday; certainly bloody nice for Tony that was for sure. I had held his flight back for after 3 days after myself and Caitlin returned. I rang his mobile to run through it with him.

Top totty

I have been thinking about the an evaluation criteria for the blondes...you know for those who don't know them.
Here is my first stab at it.
It's only for fun.

Download top_totty_.jpg

Loving Lovers

Last night I went out with one of my best gay friends. Glenda to you. He's good looking- what else? Well dressed - ok predictable. And he dances like a latin lover. More predictable?

I went out with Glenda and his new Celtic nourishment, as he likes to refer to him. His name was Niall. Slim, beguiling eyes of green mischief. Glenda knows how to pick them.

We ate at one of London's latest eateries of interest; L'Entrecote. Steak and Frittes or Steak and Frittes.

Laugher is such a healer.

After the feast we consumed too much, but at least the location was inviting our behaviour.

Providores

Top Totty

Ok. I just got back from a lunch at the Engineer in Primrose Hill.  A long overdue catch up with all the Sauvignons. Thank fuck I'm not single. How hard can it be to get a man? I despair. I dont get it, they're all gorgeous. So what are they doing wrong? Maybe they're too complicated. After all men like to keep it simple.

And then it hits me. What do men love? Specifications. They like to see what they are getting; cars, planes, boats, computers, so why not women? 

There is only one solution. The Ultimate Top Trumps. Top Totty.
What man wouldn’t love that?

So what are the Top Totty criteria? Well that needs some thought…and possibly a chart.

Oh fuck I hate excel.

The Blondes'

Just thought i should really introduce you to some of my Sauvignon Blondes, just so you get to know a little more about my delicious friends. 

They are:

Colette
At 41, Colette is divorced with 2 kids. Petite with short platinum blonde hair and elfin looks she's very cute. Oh and great tits. Actually more than great - small and so pert they belong on an 18-year old-bitch!  She's Jewish, with laughing, sparkly brown eyes and does the whole self-deprecating humour thing very well. And she's also not afraid to ask!

Serena
Serena is about as far away from a Sauvignon Blonde as you can get, she is more of a Black Russian, except she is from East Ham.
34, street smart, Serena takes no shit. As unpredictable as she's stunning, with black eyes, smooth skin and sparkling white teeth she  can either break into a beautiful smile or eat you alive. You never know. She has balls that most Dobermanns would be proud of, a mouth like a Govan welder and she makes Sir Alex Ferguson seem unconfrontational!

Juliet
J. lives above a brothel in a very smart part of Marylebone. Half Jewish, she has short, spikey peroxide blonde hair, big blue eyes and an arse like a peach. Her Jewish half is her mouth. Large and lipsticked, she is funny and quick witted but talks in a very loud voice which is fine if you are somewhere like a noisy bar but is excruciating if she is shouting at you to lend her a nailfile in the church whilst your kids are being christened!

Nikki
Nikki is little (5ft 0’’), streaky blonde and pretty, with piercing green eyes and a lovely honey coloured skin. She's not a girly girl and always dresses in jeans, t-shirts and trainers. She looks very sweet but has a mouth that would shock a whore – which is why I like her so much.

Laura   
Once a blonde always a blonde - even after the grey comes through. Laura is my surrogate mother and fierce protector. Larger than life and twice as funny she keeps me laughing even when life is shit.

I hope you'll grow to love them as much as i do.

Blondes having fun?

What a weekend. Thank god it’s Monday.

At 5pm my friend Libby called me.

10 years ago Libby and I worked together in Edinburgh. We moved to London at different times but stayed friends.

She’s a lovely looking girl, tall, blonde and well, very, very sporty. Actually that sounds shallow and blonde. She is more than lovely looking. She is a good soul, true to her word and kind hearted.

But bad things happen to Libby. Always have.

She recently started seeing a new guy she met through work; Jeremy. She told me about their first couple of dates and she’s just called me to tell me about the latest. They met at his place, she’d gone there in a “suicide cab” (I’ll explain later) from her home in Rotting Hill (Notting Hill for my American friends) to his place in Islington( Mr…ughuh…sorry…President Blair’s old patch- need I say more?).

“Char I was dressed in a black lacey bra, knickers, stocking and suspenders, fuck-me black stilettos and a long black mac.

“Oh Libby you bad girl, you didn’t …you had to go to work?.”

“I packed a little Zara dress. Cheap and easy to pack. But seriously Char I took a look at myself in the mirror and staring back was a hot fuck-me babe, I didn’t recognise myself and I felt so horny, I think it was the anticipation that excited me. I closed my mac, belted it and left the flat to get my cab.”

“I walked out to see this Moroccan looking guy having a fag by the cab. He opened the door for me but as I climbed in the vent in the back of my mac opened and exposed my arse. Well I nervously pinched the material together and sat down. Well Char my driver gave me one of those suicidal grins, which I read as a leering look. I have to say I wondered whether I’d ever make it to Jeremy’s place alive!

I spluttered “Libby you little tease.”

”Well miraculously after many deliberate wrong turns and salacious looks in the rear view mirror I arrived and banged on the door.” Libby continued.

“Jeremy opened the door holding a chilled bottle of Dom Perignon, which he just about dropped when I opened my coat.”

“Oh fuck Libby, you’re fucking gorgeous, I can’t believe you’ve come dressed like, it’s Monday morning”

“Don’t be a coy boy, I told you I would, don’t you think I’m a woman of my word? Now pour me a glass of champagne. That cab driver was mad. He couldn’t keep his eyes off the rear view mirror. I’m sure he thought I was high-class hooker! I need a bloody drink.”

“Well my high class sexy lady I’m sure the check out girl in Sainsbury’s thought I was a sleazy gigolo when I purchased a the Champagne and a box of Trojans at 9.30 this morning!

She looked at me as if to say ‘steady on tiger, it’s only 9.30 on a Monday’, I was quite embarrassed”

“Yeah right, you look paralysed at the thought, where shall we drink this bubbly? Door step or bedroom?”

Jeremy dragged Libby into the flat.

“Mmmmm, I thought kitchen might be a better option?”

“Kitchen, you have no chairs in the kitchen – just a worktop”

“Exactly – come on bitch…”

I interrupted her, “Oh Libby, what a way to spend a Monday morning! You lucky mare!”

“Char, it was heaven on earth, I haven’t had so much fun with my clothes on – ever!”

We both laughed heartily.

“But the thing is this, see what you think, I left at 1pm and went and left my moby ( cell phone) at his. I called it when I got to work and he picked up and said he would drop it in to the office.

A couple of hours later he drops it off at reception. I got my phone and checked the messages and I had four. But guess what? He’d read them.”

“Noooooo, that’s the unwritten code of weird shit you never do, I can’t believe he read your messages. Why do you think he did that?”

“Well, I guess to see if I’m seeing anyone else – it might have been easier just to ask me though. But what a dope not to delete them after reading them.”

“He’s a freak and stupid one at that! Are you going to say anything?”

“No, I don’t want to make a big thing about it, but the other thing is it’s not the first weird thing.
Last Sunday I went out with Gary as he was over from New York.”

Gary is a very good gay friend of Libby’s.

“ I asked Jeremy for a recommendation on where to take him. He suggested going on the Greenwich Ferry, which I thought was a fab idea.  Well Sunday came and Gary and I were sitting on the Ferry gossiping away and I turned round and there was Jeremy, sitting there grinning at us!”

“Oh my god, he’s stalking you – get out now, he’s a freak from hell!”

“Yeah but he’s dead sexy, I want to see where it goes…honey gotta go my boss is walking toward me…later darling, byeeee.”

Jack's World

Smiling, I strolled into the house and surveyed the table that lay in front of me laden with a cornucopia of food. I looked closer. There was nothing I could eat. More Asda family packs of chicken drumsticks than you could shake a stick at, some really fatty looking pork ribs, industrialised burgers, cheese straws, over cooked and over dried margharitta pizza and surrounded by five big family tubs of Asda (WalMart for my US chums) coleslaw – yuiikk! Not my vision of a North London barbeque.

If there was one thing I loved about Tony, he knew what to buy, where to buy it and how to cook. I sighed.

A moment later a left hand slapped my bum.  Jack guffawed and thrust right hand on my bump.

I recolied in revulsion.

“Char baby…some of the hard stuff for you darlin” as he poured me a large glass of full fat Coke.

“Actually Jack I’d love a beer, well one small beer can’t hurt?”

“Better check with Tone. I hated him calling Tony, Tone. Even more I was incensed at his suggested chauvinism by making Tony may gate keeper. The cheek.

I knew I couldn’t get through the day without a beer now. I stepped out into the garden looking for Tony.

The scrubby lawn had more bald patches than grass, due to a combination of football and dog urine from Jack’s small, half blind, balding Chihuahua.

I turned to Sue laughing.

"I put it down to the stress of living with Jack" looking at the dog rolling on the grass.

Sue looked puzzled. I think its the age. We haven't sewn seeds for years."

I turned to Sue's glazed eyes. "I mean the Dog, Sue, not the grass! "

The other guests sat around the garden on a mish-mash of plastic chairs, dining room chairs and deck chairs laid out higgledy piggledy on the lawn. All Jack’s family were there, two toothless grannies, his lad-about-town, 39 year old brother, Jimmy and his sister Sharon, a woman so large I couldn’t tell whether she was pregnant or just obscenely fat. Too nervous to ask, a little polite enquiry  revealed that she was pregnant, with just days to go.  Feeling empathy, I looked at Sharon wedged into a low deckchair and wondered how she would ever get out without the assist of some random passing crane. Wanting to avoid talking baby talk I avoided Sharon’s gaze and set myself up on a comfy looking garden chair in the sunshine. Tony trotted over with my beer, so attentive it wasn’t true, obviously so happy I had come. Maybe it had been worth it after all.

After a couple of hours, enough was enough.

Tony, I’m tired, please can we go soon?”
“Char come on it’s early and I want to watch the footie with Jack”

I looked away, silent.

“Ok I’ll organise a car for you and Caitlin.”

I felt like debating this but couldn’t face the resistance.  I smiled sweetly and agreed. The car came within half an hour.

“Bye everyone thanks for the lovely day Sue.”

Caitlin and I left. We climbed into back of the Mercedes. Tony always ordered an executive car. We couldn’t always afford them but tonight I needed its inviting comfort.

“Promise I won’t be late darling. Tony kissed me. We drove off.

I relaxed into the plush leather, relieved to be going home – I’d definitely had enough. Caitlin put her head in my lap and I stroked her and her eyes closed.

Six hours later my eyes would open. The middle of the night.

Saturday Night Sunday Morning

At dinner at E&O in Notting Hill that night I said happy birthday and gave him a kiss. We tried to gloss over the unpleasantness of the previous few days.

Tony pulled my hand toward him “So Char, will you come to Jack’s barbeque on Sunday with me?”

“Oh Tony, must I come?”

“It’s my birthday, you’ve to do anything I want!” he smirked and slide his knee between my legs.

I smiled a tight and neat grimace. “Oh alright, you’ve worn me down – I’ll go but I’m not going to give Jack a particularly warm reception, this is just for you ok?”

Tony melted as everything was fine “Ok, it will be fun, you’ll see…”

“But honey the whole thing has made me feel very uncomfortable and I can’t shake off this funny feeling that you’ve betrayed me, I know it wasn’t you having the affair but the fact that you didn’t tell me about it almost feels like you were unfaithful”

“Oh I’m bloody sick of this, will you just shut up about it now. I’ve told you the reason I didn’t want to tell you about it and I’m not going into it again”

I felt tears pricking my eyes and fought to stop them coming out and trickling down my face. Tony got even angrier with me.

“Fucking hell Charlotte, I’ve had enough now, thanks for ruining my fucking birthday”.

I couldn’t stop the tears now and they coursed down my cheeks, I grabbed a napkin and wiped them away as quickly as possible as I knew they’d only make him crosser.

We got the bill and walked back to the flat in silence. Just as we got to the door I stopped.

“I’m sorry Tony, I didn’t mean to go on at you on your birthday – I really wanted this evening to be nice and I feel like I’ve ruined it”

“Well yes, it’s not been the best birthday I’ve ever had, let’s just drop it eh?”

“Ok” I agree.

He hugged me and we went inside.

Sunday came round all too quickly. Tony had booked a car to take us to Jack’s house somewhere horrid in Suburbia. Anywhere outside of Primrose Hill, Notting Hill, Soho and Marylebone is all Essex to me. I tried to avoid going there whenever possible. The car was air conditioned and Caitlin was in a good mood, excited about the prospect of playing football with a load of boys! She was such a Tom Boy. I had dressed in a pretty little summer dress that wasn’t a Maternity dress, just a bigger size than normal, and the by now compulsory black wedge heels. I was looking pretty good with only 3 months left to go.

It was with a mixture of glee and horror that I viewed the outside of the stone clad semi as we pulled up in front of the house. Its frontage was completely obscured by an enormous England flag, draped across the house – it was Tacks-ville Central and as far as I was concerned we may as well have been in the deep south of Essex!

Jack was waiting outside Football Fantasy Land with a big, inane grin on his face. He looked like a good looking Frankenstein, if you can imagine. A very high, lined forehead for a man in his early 30’s, dark eyes with big eye bags under them and two rows of big tombstone teeth.

“Allo mate” Jack boomed to Tony

“Allo mate” Tony boomed back. Miraculously turning from a reasonably well spoken Kiwi (with only slightly strangulated vowels) into a Pearly King before my very eyes. I half expected them to launch into a rendition of Chas and Dave’s “Rabbit” at any moment.

Jack turned to me “Allo gorgeous, ow you doin’ then?”

“Fine thank you” I replied, doing my best impression of Penelope Keith sucking a lemon. He launched a kiss at my lips and I averted my head so that it missed and hit my cheek.

“Sue’ll be dead chuffed to see ya darlin, she’s bin really lookin forward to ya comin”

I was half tempted to ask him if he’d like me to pick up all the “g’s” he’d dropped in the last sentence on my way in but bit my tongue.

The day was getting interesting and I was warming up.

Losing Loyalty

After a moment of shock we both apoligised, simultaneously.

We smiled and i handed him antiseptic wipe.

“Char, wake up, maybe she knows, maybe she needs to pretend that everything is normal, maybe she needs friends right now”

“oh… you mean maybe if she pretends enough that everything’s normal maybe it will be and she won’t go fucking mad. Maybe if her best friends’ live in denial she can as well, blissfully ignoring the lie. Maybe if she lives in denial she’ll be happy - you mean? And maybe you’re a fucking twisted bastard. I thought I knew you so well.”

I stood staring at what seemed like dead eyes. Cold, dark, empty. I shuddered.

“Maybe, I don’t know. But I know this, it’s not going to make any difference to the situation if we don’t go and I for one think we should be supportive, I would like to go – please come with me?”

“Supportive of who exactly? You know Tony, why don’t you just go on your own, you go everywhere else on your bloody own”

I bent over feeling some rapid kicks inside.

Ignoring this he carried with relentless precision.

“It’s a family day, Caitlin will love it, and their Ben(their eldest son) is having a football party”

Thinking of Catlin I mellowed for a moment.

“Oh God, please tell me they won’t have a bloody football flag tacked to the front of their stone clad semi?

Tony laughed “More than likely, West Ham as well!” he said and patted my cheek.

I smiled. Inside my anger lingered.

The following day Tony announced an impromptu  lunch meeting with Jack and an agency producer in the West End. He promised to be home by 5pm My mother was coming out of hospital after a foot operation and needed someone to pick her up.

We didn’t have a car. So the task involved walking to the hospital, helping Mum into a cab and bringing her home. She would have to lean quite heavily on whoever did this and since my belly was ever burgeoning I wasn’t sure if I was up to the task. Tony promised to stand in. He said he wouldn’t forget, gave me a kiss and left. I heard nothing from him again for the rest of the day. By the time that 4.30 came round I was beginning to get a little concerned. I rang his mobile.

“Yesshhh” he answered

“Tony, you’re pissed”

“No I’m not pished”

“Yes you bloody are. You’re supposed to be picking my mother up from the hospital in half an hour!”

“Oh yesshh, can’t she get a cab? I’m in a meeting”

“You absolute bastard, I hardly ever ask you to do anything, you know I can’t do this on my own at the moment, why did you bloody agree to do it if you had no intention of helping out?”

“Oh come on Char, I’m in an important meeting about some scripts, I have to work to earn money for us to live on… you know”

“Blah, fucking blah, same old, same old, I cannot believe you are letting me down like this, I don’t actually think you want to be married anymore, I’m telling you I wish I wasn’t having your bloody baby, you are a selfish fuck and I’m sick of it. You know what, don’t bother coming home, in fact don’t bother coming home ever again, you’re making my life a misery at the moment and I’d be better off without you”

He starts his cutesy voice “Don’t shay that, you don’t mean that, why would you say that to me?”

I put the phone down, unable to stand listening to his drunken slurring any longer, I felt revolted by him and so angry that I was shaking.

I also felt sick that he may call my bluff and leave.

I called a taxi and co-erced Caitlin away from her cosy spot in front of the TV, straining. I put her shoes on and grabbed a cardigan for her. I didn’t need one having my own internal central heating system.

We waited outside for the taxi, I needed the fresh air to calm myself down, I didn’t know whether to cry or scream. The taxi came and we got in. 5 minutes later we were at the hospital and my mother was waiting outside – on crutches.

“Oh Charlotte darling, you shouldn’t have come, I could have managed. Where is Tony?”

“Don’t bloody ask me at the moment Ma, suffice to say he is pissed in a bar somewhere and I’m fucking furious”

She pursed her lips, she had bitten her tongue on more than one occasion recently over Tony’s behaviour and she didn’t want to upset me any more than I already was.

“How’s your foot Ma?”

“Oh not too bad considering darling, but I am dosed up to the eyeballs at the moment, give me a large glass of red and I won’t feel a thing!”

When Tony finally staggered in later that evening, I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him.

We went to bed and didn’t speak. He tried to apologise but I couldn’t even think about forgiving him at that moment.

The following morning he was so smarmy to myself and to my mum that he was almost tripping over his own tongue! There was no point creating an even worse atmosphere especially since the next day was his birthday and you can’t be mean to someone on their birthday no matter how bad they have been.

I had asked my mum if she would look after the kids so that Tony and I could go out for dinner and I think she was relieved that we seemed to be making things up.

Illusions.

The Fog Of A Man's Truth

Tony finished his call and walked back into the flat. 

Very casually I enquired,

“Who was that hon?”

“Oh, it was just Sarah, teasing me about last night and how pissed I was” he sheepishly replied

“Oh that’s ok then,” I said sarcastically “now I know you’re definitely having an affair with her!”

“Sarah come on honey, don’t be daft, why are you saying that?”

“I’m not stupid Ton, I haven’t heard you using that intimate tone in too many years, in fact not since you and I were first dating. You used that tone with me all the time, it’s the way lovers talk to each other, remember?”

“Charlotte you’re totally mad, it must be your hormones. I am most definitely not having an affair with Sarah, ring her, ask her if you like!”

“Oh don’t worry I will, if it smells like shit it generally is shit and something round here is stinking pretty badly”

I turned stalked off into the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea, not really thinking that Tony was actually having an affair with Sarah but concerned that something was going on, perhaps they were on the verge of something. I had always felt secure in our relationship and didn’t think Tony would actually be unfaithful to me, my faith in his integrity was too high. I also knew how much he loved me. He still fancied me after 12 years. Or so I thought. Why would he be interested in somebody else?

After a few minutes he followed me into the kitchen and tried placate me.

“Come on honey, you’re worrying unnecessarily, if you knew the real reason that Sarah was on the phone you’d realise that”

“Oh really, so tell me then, I’m all ears!”

“It’s extremely confidential and I’ve sworn that I won’t tell another soul so I’m really betraying her trust telling you this”

“I can’t believe you’re saying this to me, we’re married, we’ve never had secrets from each other – we’ve always told each other everything”

I had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

“Look she’s my mate and the other person involved is my best mate, so sorry I’ve not been prepared to share information about my best mates with anyone, even you”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, it was like aliens had taken my real husband and replaced him with the git husband from hell. I was totally speechless.

“I can’t be having an affair with Sarah, because Sarah is having an affair with Jack!”

“You can’t be serious, Jack is married with two young boys, what a complete shit – does Sue have any idea?”
Sue was Jack’s wife and a woman I liked and respected.

“This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you this, I knew you wouldn’t approve of it and then you wouldn’t want me to go out with him anymore”

He had it all worked out, it would seem.

“But what about poor Sue, how can I look her in the eye knowing this? To think you were trying to persuade me to go to their barbeque on Sunday, how can I go knowing this awful information, he can’t possibly carry on with it?”

“He is in love with her Charlotte – can’t you understand that?”

“Oh fuck off, she’s a young, grubby little tart that works in the office who doesn’t understand what it’s like to be a mother and have young children, thinks she can just fuck anyone and not worry about the consequences. As for Jack he’s an appalling, thick, lower class, potato eating, Irish scumbag!”

“Don’t talk about Jack like that, he’s my mate, people fall in love regardless of whether they are married with young kids”

“Well he shouldn’t be putting themselves in that situation, how long has this been going on?”

“About a year” he says quietly.

“A fucking year, you’ve known about it for that long?”

“Yes” he said smirking with pride.

“You’ve kept this secret from me for a whole year, that’s really, really hurtful – like I don’t really know you anymore – so what goes on tour really stays on tour right?”

“I knew you’d hate them both if you knew and look how you are reacting – I was so right not to tell you!”

“Oh you patronising prick, to think you’ve been colluding with them for a whole year with poor little Sue sitting at home with the kids, wondering why he gets in so late – you disgust me”

“Well it’s neither here nor there now, cos Sue knows something’s up and he’s got to make a big decision now”

“He’s not seriously considering leaving his wife and kids for that little slut is he?”

“He doesn’t know what to do – he’s really, really confused, they both are, he probably won’t leave but he’s finding it hard not to. That’s why I stayed so late with Sarah last night, they have both been using me as their confidante over this, to be perfectly honest I have had enough of it now, it’s getting exhausting. I’ve told them this too”

“Well at least I’m not going mad, I thought that there was an affair but I just got the person wrong, but you are behaving very strangely over this you know, like it’s your affair as much as theirs – you freak”

“You know you don’t have to worry about me, I’ve told you that before honey, come on now, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but you can see why?”

“No not really – I am appalled by the whole thing”

“Please come to Jack and Sue’s barbeque on Sunday, Sue may need a shoulder to cry on”

That was enough. I stepped up and slapped Tony. My nails caught his face and ripped the skin on his chin. Blood oozed. He looked shocked. I was shocked.

And something changed.

Truth or Lies

It was five months before I stopped feeling sick.

For the first time I felt like my old self, except for the distinct bump below my breasts. The rest of my body was in denial. I’d put no weight on anywhere else.

It was Thursday, sunny and I was feeling good. I took the opportunity to visit Top Shop. An hour later I purchased a pair of high-heeled black wedge shoes and a black baby doll maternity dress. As I turned to walk out I thought better of it.

Inside the changing rooms again, I slipped on the new outfit and slipped off my pants. Pretty hot for a pregnant Mama, I thought.

Out of the store I walked ready for some passion with Tony.

30 min later I opened the door of our flat. “Tony I’m home” Tony was at his computer, again. He looked up and stood up. “Hey love, I’ve got to run, gotta meeting with my crew at the Century Club” he said as he stood up and grabbed his new fur coat. “We’re meeting a team from Saatchi’s”. He kissed me and left.

The “crew” as I dis-affectionately knew them to be were, Tony’s producer, Jack, Jack’s runner, Jimmy and the assistant producer, Sarah. Jack, fat and 39, was a lad if I’d ever met one. Jimmy, 25, was a lad in waiting.

Sarah, 31, was married but just wanted to be around lads, especially Tony. Tony, bless him, just wanted to join the lads’ club. Something he missed out on, down-under, I suspect. “Alright” I thought left to myself again.

Truth or lies, my fantasy faded in that moment. The Century Club is a member’s only club. It’s used by media and TV types to meet, greet and consume all manner of illegal substances. For the next four hours I sat looking at a bottle of wine desperate for a drink. Finally I got up and poured myself another glass of water.

I poured a second and left the glass next to the bed in spare room, for when Tony woke gasping for hydration in the night, or at dawn as was often the case. In bed alone I drifted into sleep dreaming of better days. What seemed like minutes were hours, as I awoke to hear keys battling with a lock, several jousts later the door opened and in fell Tony. It was 5am. Early I thought. He went straight to the spare room and passed out.

The next morning I got up, walked our daughter to school, bought breakfast at my favourite patisserie and came home to start work at 9.30am. Tony was comatose. Relieved I left him to sleep off his excesses. He finally emerged at 12 o clock, moaning, on all fours, sweating stale booze, fags and farts. He looked like a Warg, one of those creatures from Lord of The Rings. I can only imagine they smelt better. Sheepishly he tried to cuddle me.

Breathing through my mouth, I gently pushed him away. “Sorry hon, but you really stink” He pulled back, naked rubbing his bloated belly. Silent. “How was last night?” as I succumbed to the silence.

“Oh, yeah good” he replied “Who was there?” I asked “Oh, Jack, Jimmy and Sarah and this Creative from Saatchi’s that we were talking to about a script, but he left early, about 9ish”
“Probably had a wife and kids at home that he wanted to spend the evening with” I said with lightly polished irony.

“Mmmm no I think he had to go back to work on a pitch” as he skated over my sarcasm.
“Jack and Jimmy left about midnight”

“So that left you and Sarah?” I enquired “Can I ask why you didn’t come home when Jack left?

Why did you stay on with Sarah until 5am when you have us to come home to?” “Yeh, well, you know she had stuff to discuss, she’s having a few relationship problems” he said defensively. “Mmmm, we could be having a few relationship problems ourselves if you keep this up” I replied “Ha, not us hon,” he said touching my hair.

I broke.
“No seriously, are you having an affair with Sarah? You’ve been spending a lot of time with her recently?”

“Charlotte come on don’t be sensitive”

“I think it’s a bit bloody strange to stay out drinking with another woman until 5am when you have me and Catlin here at home”
“An affair, with Sarah? Are you kidding? I don’t even fancy her”

“I’m not bloody surprised, she looks like she needs a good scrub down with a yard broom – but maybe you like grubby?” I spat.

“Don’t be daft, all I do is talk about you and bore everyone stupid telling them how wonderful you are!”

“Yeah right, until 5am”

At that moment his mobile phone rang. He immediately walked into the garden while he was talking. I didn’t want to but I strained to listen to his conversation, for the first time in our relationship I felt insecure and concerned that Tony was not being truthful. My heart plunged, quivering and cold.  I felt strange. As his voice ebbed and flowed in my consciousness I hoped that my pregnancy hormones were making me imagine this. 30 minutes later he was walking round and round the garden talking very loudly into his phone. It couldn’t be a secret conversation as people 5 doors down could hear every word. Now he was laughing on the phone, said he was feeling very rough, like he was speaking to someone from last night. Then he spoke in a softer, flirtatious tone. A cold knife pierced my chest. It took me a moment to remember when I last heard him use that tone. 10 years ago just as we’d begun to date. Inside something died.

Gym Jinks

Colette is 38, divorced with two kids, slim, sad, pretty and single.

Carl, Colette’s ex husband, had been behaving like a complete shit. Again. He rang her pissed as a wet fart. Then she called me.

“He asked me why I was still fucking single and then started abusing me, called me a bad mother for bad mouthing him and Sandy, which I hadn’t. Then he tells me Sandy thinks it’s weak of me to cry in front of the kids –  boy what honey she is!”

Sandy is Colettes’ ex-husband’s new wife. Colette has little time for Sandy. As Colette says, she’s got more overs under her belt than Shane Warne.
“Char she’s over 40, over tanned, over-exercised, over-made up, over-bearing and over the fucking hill.

I closed my eyes and my heart wept for her.

“Don’t fret Colette, things will get better, there’s always tomorrow” I felt fake.

Colette’s a mother’s mother. Remaining civil through abandonment, treated like shit yet never said a word against her ex-husband or his new wife – well not in front of the kids. Now ok, when she’s with her mates she lets rip, but who wouldn’t?

So I did my best to console her, pretending to know how she felt, thanking God and Allah for not being her and then tried to lighten the mood buy convincing her that he was a mad as a pole-vaulting trout. If nothing else she sounded better by the time she put down the phone. What a difference a day makes. The next day she sounded a whole lot better.

She rang me after a visit to the gym.

“Char honey that personal trainer, you know Terry, 22, blonde and the body to fuck everything for.”

I’d heard about him on a few occasions and not just from Colette. He had always flirted with Colette, told her how he found her attractive and that he couldn’t understand why her husband left her.

She knew he had a bit of a crush as he tended to get flustered when they talked and he blushed sweetly when she caught his eye.

So on a day with no make up, still red eyed from the previous nights tears was not a day she expected an encounter.

“Yes I know who you mean” I said intrigued.

Excitedly she carried on “I was standing in the gym café after my session, bit sweaty, you know when you get that wet patch on the back of your arse, up the bum crack and I was trying to subtly adjust my G-string, it was all twisted when I heard this voice, Can I help you with that? It was Terry and girl did I blush.”

I asked her what she said.

“Naughty, naughty, I couldn’t think of anything else” Colette replied.

And then? Even I was getting excited.

Colette continued, “He touched my arse and said “You’re gorgeous” and I jumped and smiled like a Cheshire cat but for some weird reason I put on a cutsie Southern drawl and said…Why thank you kind sir” and then he went all straight and asked me how I was? 

“So sparkling conversation is not being his best position! I interjected.

Colette carried on, “Well I said I was fine, apart from having a really sore neck which had been bothering me for about a week – tension I think. Then he touches my neck and asks me if I want a massage and tells me he has good fingers! What could I say?”

Colette worked in theatre and knew how to create drama. Her silence was defening.

“Colette…AND?” I demanded.

“Well he ushered me upstairs to the Beauty Clinic and as we walked he touched my sweaty bum and asked me if I was seeing anyone? And I told him I wasn’t which isn’t strictly true but…I asked him the same question, he replied that he was but it was complicated.”

“Oh isn’t it always” I replied to Colette.

Colette was on a roll.

“Well all of a sudden he unlocked the door of one of the treatment rooms and gestured to the bed already set up with a soft white towel and pillow. He then told me to take my top and bra off and lie face down. I wasn’t sure why he needed to remove my bra to have my neck massaged but I wasn’t about to ask the question and did as I was told. He demurely draped my back in a towel and got to work, digging his finger-tips into my neck. Ok it was nice but I faked it up and moaned in pleasure. Char it worked and he moved his hands down my sides until he touched the sides of my tits.
He then whispered “Turn over” and gently brushed my neck with his warm, wet tongue. Char, his breath smelled sweet.  I actually gasped. I felt like a 17 year old.  He slipped his tongue into my mouth and started kissing me. The he moved onto my breasts and began softly kissing them, flicking his tongue over my nipples. They were standing erect like two dumb bells, my whole body was tingling. Then he grabs my hand and puts it on his cock. Char, it was very, very hard. Then realty hit. I pulled myself up and wrapped a towel around me.”

“Are you mad Colette? What did he do?” I enquired.

“Well he just stood there with his shorts round his knees, socks and trainers on, still erect and telling me not to be embarrassed about my body! Can you believe it? it was nothing to do with my body, but he persisted in telling me I had such a “good body for someone who’d had two children.”

“Cheeky bugger” I said looking down at my bump.

Colette continued, “then he pulled the towel away brushed my belly with his hand and starts to pull my shorts down touching my thigh. Char I tell you I was getting wet. But I was good, I pulled away. I told him that we shouldn’t be doing this, and reminded him that he was seeing someone and that it wasn’t very unprofessional.”

“He sounds a bit of pro to me Colette” I said, laughing.

Colette laughed “Yeh but guess what happened next? He’s standing there looking rejected, grabs his cock and says to me, ‘you’re telling me you don’t want to do some dips on this?’ and at that moment the door opens and one of the Beauticians is standing there… with a customer.”

“Oh my god Colette what did you do? I asked.

Colette suppressed a giggle, “Char it couldn’t have been better. The customer was Sandy! Even with all her botox she looked surprised, like a skinned sheep skull with its eye’s popping. Terry froze. He pulled his shorts up and gave me a geeky grin and was actually quite amusing and whispered ‘same time next week madam?’ Sandy and the beautician were in shock. I just shot her a smile and left.”

I was at work with my boss when Colette told me this. I shrieked loudly with delight when she told me the details.

“You bad girl” I said

“Not bad enough” she replied

“Yes but it’s not the end of it honey.”

“You don’t think so” she asked.

“God no, there’s bound to be another episode to this story very soon I imagine. Suppose you’re feeling like getting very fit?”

“Char, I think I’ll be sweating quiet a lot over the next few weeks. I know they say about endorphins, exercise and feeling good, I didn’t realise it would make me feel this good”.

“Well, I say there’s nothing like having a personal trainer for improving your fitness!”

“I didn’t have the personal trainer though – can you imagine, I’m 38 and old enough to be his mother!”

“Hah, not today but I bet you will! Whatever you do, don’t tell Juliette, she has had the biggest crush on him for ages, she got overexcited when he kissed her on the cheek on her birthday, she would trample over your children to get her hands on him!”

“Listen honey, I would trample over my children to get my hands on him again!”

“I don’t think you’re going to need to somehow” I said, suddenly feeling like a dull married woman.

Colette was up, “Oh Char I’ve just had a text from Carl apologising for his disgusting behaviour, Sandy must have told him, how funny. I was so upset that he treated me like that yesterday, but today I couldn’t give a shit, I just kept smiling knowing he knows what I’ve been doing!”

“Well honey, you deserve it, there’s nothing like a snog and a grope with a hunky 22 year old for lifting your spirits”

We said goodbye.

My mind wandered back to Tony.

So happy together ?

When I returned home, Caitlin was overjoyed to see me. Tony also seemed very pleased I was home. He said he’d missed me and was very attentive. Later that evening, I knew the reason.

“Charlotte I love you and I love Catlin but we’re not a complete family yet…let’s have another baby” He had a tear in his eye.

I was over the moon as I had almost given up hope that we would ever have another child. Tony had always said we were happy, just the three of us.

So it was, at the beginning of October 2003, I came off the pill. Tony was away for much of the next two months and so the chances of my getting pregnant were so extremely slim,  it would have been an immaculate conception.

Christmas came and passed. We were invited to stay for New Year with some good friends at their beautiful house in the Pyrenees. I knew this would be my fertile time of the month.

We had a wonderful time, had sex every day, sometimes twice when our friends took Catlin for long walks with their two dogs.  It was during these intimate moments we rekindled our relationship. I felt so close to Tony. This was one of the loveliest holidays we ever had.

Five days on I knew I was pregnant. Everything smelt stronger and wine had taken on a strange metallic taste. I said nothing to Tony.  I didn’t want to tempt fate but I think he probably knew.

It was early January. We arrived home and I headed straight to the loo. I pulled out the pregnancy tester I had just picked up at the airport. I peed and waited. It was positive. Time to tell.

I walked out of the loo. “Tony?”

He was already on his computer checking e mail.

“Yes darling?”

I walked in to see him close the laptop and stand up. He seemed distracted. 

“I’m pregnant”

“I knew you were” he smiled and he hugged me.

“Are you pleased?” I quizzed.

“Of course I’m pleased!” He pulled me closer.

“It’s what we wanted, isn’t it?” I pulled back.

“Yes, it is, and I think it will be good for Caitlin.”  He pulled me closer again resting his head on my shoulder.

I looked out onto the frost-covered garden and felt a chill pass through me. I just didn’t feel he was excited about it. He said he was happy about it but it just felt wrong somehow, like I’d forced him into this against his wishes.

I forced the thought from my mind and put his reaction down to the stress of work and money worries.

Over the next few months life was normal. Tony was always away filming or on recces. I was working from home, running and going to the gym with my friend Juliette. She was also pregnant and as we progressed toward birth we found ourselves eating more than working out. As we devoured another healthy lunch talk turned to husbands.

“Tony must be pretty excited about the baby isn’t he?” as she munched on another muesli mix.

“Well it’s pretty strange to be honest, he hasn’t said he’s not excited but he just doesn’t seem that enthused by it all, but he’s never done excitement in a big way!

“Well he is antipodean Charlotte!” Juliette hated Aussies and Kiwi’s.

“But he’s also going out one hell of a lot at the moment and not coming home until the early hours of the morning. If I criticise him he says I am being unreasonable. He says he’s networking for work”

“Net drinking and snorting more like” as she snorted a laugh.

He told me it was my hormones making me difficult so I’m beginning to wonder if it’s me…”

“If you don’t mind me saying this, it sounds like he’s being a complete pig to be honest hon”. Juliette actually hated most men.

“You don’t think I’m over reacting then?”

“No I bloody don’t, you are 4 months pregnant, you feel sick all the time, you’re completely knackered with a 5 year old to look after, you have  a full time job and you can’t even have a fucking drink and he’s out all the time on the piss – give me a break mate!” I wondered if Juliette was a frustrated lesbian.

“You’re right, it’s not bloody fair is it – you know what if I didn’t know him better I would think he was having an affair” I said.

“Let’s put a private detective on him and check out what he’s up to?” as her eyes narrowed and fixed on the arse of a passing female personal trainer.

“He’d probably charge us danger money to blend in… he’d have to ride a bike like a madman to keep up with Tony’s kamikaze cycling, hang out in Soho drinking dens, passive smoke like a bloody chimney watching media types spend all night boozin in Soho dens getting completely trashed, stuffing coke up every orifice and talking shite! to strange women”

“Ha ha, you’re right, at least I don’t have to worry about Pete, he could barely raise interest in shag if 20 naked dancing girls can canned through our living room, he’d just ask them to move out the way so he could see the telly and kick them out if they drank any of his booze or smoked his fags!” Juliette scratched her crotch as if to imitate her hubby.

“Things still no better on that front then?”

“Yeah sure they are, I got a shag the Monday before last so I can’t really complain!”

“I don’t know what’s worse, I have to beat Tony off with a shitty stick! I would be quite happy to oblige but he wants sex at 5am and he smells so badly of fags and booze that it makes my stomach heave”

“I have to say hon, your life is shit, innit?”

“Oh it’s not so bad, we’ll soon be a family of four…the perfect nuclear family” 

It wasn’t to be. We were about to go into critical meltdown.

Fishy Fantasies

On the second day, I joined, Allie, Carla, Lianne and Kasha for few drinks in the bar before dinner. Everyone has called home and we can now relax. I asked Lianne how her husband David was and she said “oh him, he’s fine, my mother is there to look after the kids, he couldn’t manage on his own. He’ll have gone out to the pub by now,”

“Sounds about right” I replied

“Well, thing is with men Charlotte, they’re like puppies!” The others showed a sudden interest in our conversation

“What do you mean Lianne?” asked Carla.

Carla, is sharp as a tack and very forthright. Even without opening her mouth she stands out from the rest of us. This dark haired, 40-year old American dresses in “slacks”, wears comfortable shoes and no make-up apart from a little foundation to disguise her bad skin. Unnecessary as she’s dripping in Cartier and diamonds, a distraction in itself, which she likes to point out, was her husband Antoine’s idea. He’s Swiss and very, very rich.

“They’re like Puppies because as long as they are fed, praised, cuddled and exercised then they behave themselves, most of the time.

“Ah you mean sex?” snapped Carla.

“Yes, David wants sex every night and most of the time I’m too tired from running around all day after the kids, but I let him have his way and hope it’s over quickly. Once he’s had his daily exercise he’s happy and he’ll do anything I want – it’s not so difficult!”

“Yes,” replied Carla, “Antoine is away all week, I only see him at the weekend, but if I let him have sex with me once a week then I know that will keep him sweet.” My puppy doesn’t need as much exercise as yours it would seem, must be a different breed!

“But do you enjoy exercising your puppies?” I asked

“I enjoy it with mine once we get going but he’s got so fat these days I have to confess it’s hard to fancy him, he barely resembles the person I married, he must be the Dachsund of puppies, don’t they get so fat that their back legs give way?”

“I know what you mean” replied Carla, “mine’s pretty out of shape too, I thought it was us women who were supposed to let ourselves go after we got married and we’re all in pretty good shape!”

Allie chipped in, “Well I think you’re all outclassed by my puppy, he looks more like an abandoned stray!”

Allie is petite, with short, dark hair and green eyes. She has been married for 10 years to a relatively famous music composer which you would think would mean that life would be easy for her, but far from it. He is incredibly mean, and gives her a salary each year to live on, dependent on how many children she has. When she only had one child, she got £12,000 a year to live on and support the child, she then had twins and she foolishly thought that her salary would triple but it only doubled and she now has £24,000 to live on and support three children. Since he earns about £400,000 a year this seems completely disproportionate. She also has to get everything she spends approved by his secretary, who recently told her that she was spending too much on dry cleaning. He is clearly bonkers and they’ve been in counselling for 2 years.

Allie explained “He’s fat, lives in the same black jacket and trousers which are shiny from dirt and over use, he never shaves and hardly ever washes his hair. Our sex life is now unsurprisingly, completely non-existent. He used to shag me for inspiration, you know for his music. I was just an instrument. On top of that he loved to be on top and he’s got a bushy back. If only he’d got his back waxed, it was such a turn off. I left a magazine on his bed-side table once with the page open at an article about male Spas, hoping he would notice the section on back waxing. Four weeks later it was still there unread. I prefer rabbits myself. If you know what I mean”

We exhausted our sex life stories, agreed that most men are puppies and if we abide by this philosophy then we will have found the answer to the perfect relationship, sex to keep them happy and toys to keep us happy. Ah married life.

The next day we woke up, had a late breakfast and lay by the pool. As evening approached we went and got ready to go out. Costas, our guide, was picking us up in a hired mini bus at 7pm to take us to a traditional Cretan fish restaurant up in the hills.

Suitably glam we met in reception to be greeted by the sight of the minibus with Costas standing grinning like a big fat bear. The sign on the mini bus read “Virgin School of Art” in big black letters. He seemed to think that this was absolutely hilarious and was looking at us expecting a similar reaction. We all looked at each other but we were not really sure what the joke was other than it was really fucking embarrassing, I was pretty sure it had lost something in the translation!

We piled into the bus and set off. Costas spent the whole time talking Greek into his mobile phone and 20 minutes later we pulled up at the side of a busy road and he heaved himself out.

Whilst he was out of the bus Carla turned to me laughing and said , “I think Costas likes you, I think if you treated him right he would happily be your puppy!”

“Oh great, lucky me, he must be 20 stone and has a growth on his head, more like a bloody great drooling St Bernard – in fact he’s more like a pig than a puppy!  I’m sure I saw him flirting with you earlier Carla!”

“Oh no, we’ve already been down that route, he told me he didn’t fancy me – flipping cheek, we sadly can never be together as I am a Capricorn and he apparently is incompatible with Capricorns.” –

“You’re very lucky, think I might have suddenly become a Capricorn! When are they born, January isn’t it?”

Costas returned, he slid the door open at the side and in piled 3 more Cretan men! Needless to say we were more than a little surprised by this turn of events and I felt pretty sure that none of our husbands would be too happy, we had been looking forward to a girlie night out and felt a bit irritated that we hadn’t been consulted about this. Costas introduced them as Costas 2 , Costas 3, Manolo.  Costas 2 was Costas 1, our driver’s twin brother. He was rather smooth and older looking, probably because of the salt n’ pepper hair and a nicely cut suit. He had perfect shiny white teeth and spoke impeccable English. There was no resemblance whatsoever to Costas 1. Costas 3 was a thick set young guy of around 30 and I don’t know what happened to poor Manolo, as they seem to call all boy children Costas. It does make it a whole lot easier for everyone meeting new men. Manolo was skinny, geeky and painfully shy. Maybe Manolo was Greek for geek. We all began polite conversation as it continued on our journey to the fish restaurant in the hills.

We arrived and I tried to get out of the bus as I was sitting nearest the door, but typically I couldn’t seem to locate the door handle. The Costas 2 leapt out of the other side and opened the door for me.

“Sorry about that but I’m blonde” I said flirtatiously, thinking I was being funny.

“Yes, but you’re not a real blonde” he retorted.

“That’s bloody rude” I snapped back and strode off.

We all sat down at a table outside this very pretty old taverna. The setting was lovely, the walls were covered in bougainvillea and there were candles on the tables, casting shadows and making the glasses glint in the light. Jugs of Raki were ordered (this is a Cretan version of Ouzo). Fat Costas 3 told us that we had to say the Cretan toast and down a shot glass full of Raki. We asked him what the toast was and he said a word that sounded very like “

Afghanistan

,” so we all raised our glasses and shouted “Afgahanistan” very loudly and downed the Raki. Good looking Costas 2, that Allie and I had now named the Silver Fox tried to attract my attention but I was still cross about his earlier comment so deliberately ignored him. He leant across the table and said “you misunderstood me,”

“Excuse me?” I replied

“When I said you were not a real blonde, I meant that you were too smart to be a real blonde”

I thawed a little

“You remind me of a an ex-girlfriend of mine you know, you really look like her, she was an actress”

I thawed a little more.

“How long ago did you split up”

“About 5 years ago, she left me for someone else – I was still in love with her”

I started to warm to him now, we continued talking. When I asked him what he did for work. He replied.

“ I am a retired Octupus hunter”

How adventurous I thought and I felt myself getting hot.

When I asked him why he retired, he regaled me with his story.  I noticed Carla listening as he spoke.

“I was at the bottom of the Ocean with my hunting knife chasing this big creature, a female. My biggest ever catch. She kept dodging behind rocks every time I got near to her. She would then stare out at me from behind the rock with her big solemn eye. As I got closer to her, she became very still until we were right up close to each other staring each other down. I realised that the Octopus knew that I was going to kill her. And at that moment I felt such a connection with her. There was something sexual. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I took one last look her. She was a worthy adversary. I swam away. I had never credited Octopi with emotional intelligence. Everything changed, how could I continue hunting them?”

“Shame I like a bit of squid on the barbeque!” Carla quipped.

He smiled and continued.

”So now my octopus hunting days are over, Octopi all over Crete can float about in peace knowing that Costas the Octopi hunter has spared them a painful death”

As he looked away and bowed his head I swore I spotted a tear.

I was really over-heating now.

“So

Charlotte

, can I ask you a question?

“Yes of course” I said

“What is your birth sign?

Before I had a chance to answer Carla ripped in “She’s Capricorn honey so hands off”

And so the moment died like one of Costas’ Octopi cut down in its prime.

After the meal and full of fish, we headed back to town. Lianne and Kasha wanted to go dancing so we dropped them at a club in town with the three Costas’ Carla, Allie and I went back with the hotel.

As we sat at the bar for a night-cap I told them both about the Silver Fox’s Octopus Hunting story.

Carla shrieked “You believed that? Octopus hunter pah, pussy hunter maybe.

Charlotte

he’s no hunter he’s a salesman. He works in dog food, it took me ages to get it out of him, he sells… dog food!”

We all fell about laughing.

“Well he’s definitely no puppy then” Allie said,

No, more pig than puppy” I said feeling foolish.

Allie continued “no wonder he wasn’t keen on telling us what he did”.

The following morning we met on Lianne’s balcony for breakfast. It turned out she had danced until the sun came up with a young Cretan guy she met in the club and they then went for Souvlaki and chips together (kebab).

“Very classy Lianne” I said “have you told your husband?!”

“That would be a very bad idea don’t you think, but he was a very nice young boy and we had fun, all I did was dance with him, that’s not so bad is it?”

“No darling, not so very bad” I replied “What happened to you Kasha? You don’t look so good”.

Kasha looked ashen faced.

“I was standing at the bar with Silver Fox Costas, he was really hitting on me and then he tells me about his Octupus hunting exploits, it was so romantic.”

We all laughed.

“It was. But then the next thing I knew we were in the loos and I was sucking his cock”

Mhh romantic” snapped Carla.

“He was getting really into it and had his hands on my head. I’d drunk too much, eaten too much fish. I started to feel ill and couldn’t get my head up and before I knew it I vomited on his cock. 

He was covered in my fishy puke.

“Well he got his comeuppance then” Carla snorted.

“Oh god Kasha that is disgusting, what did you do? Lianne admonished her.

“I just ran out and left him there” Kasha blushed.

“Octopus hunter or not, I bet he smells fishy this morning” I said.

Two days and two quiet nights later we travelled home, sorry to be leaving but at the same time looking forward to getting back to our families.

Cretan Capers

14/9/05

I am lying on a beach in Crete with 4 of my girlfriends and a large fat man called Costas. The most unusual thing about this is not the large fat man but the fact that I am lying undisturbed, free to nap, read or gossip at will. This is not a regular occurrence for me, in fact it is the first time in 5 years as I have never been on holiday without my husband and 5 year old daughter since she was born. I thought I wouldn’t really enjoy going away without them but is seems I didn’t know myself very well as I am quite frankly revelling in it. All the other women I am with also have children, in fact they all have more than I do and are possibly enjoying their freedom even more because of this! Especially Lianne who never really seems to like her children very much. She is a morose Serbian but very funny in a depressive sort of way. When you are on the phone to her she is always shouting at her children saying “you bloody bastards, why do you want to make my life a misery, just go away!” Perhaps this is the way she was brought up as she sees nothing odd in this – which would go someway to explaining her temperament.

We were picked up from the airport late last night by Costas and his friend Patty. Costas is a work colleague of Lianne’s husband and has been given the dubious task of taking care of us and making sure we have a good time while we are here! As we come out of the shack like terminal building at Heraklion airport they are waiting for us. Patty is as fat as Costas but brown, shiny and smiling like a madwoman. She says in broken English “Hello I am Patty, I am drunk – pleased to meet you!” We all look at each other and I think perhaps she is losing something in the translation and give her the benefit of the doubt. She then says “My car is this way”. We nervously follow her, all hoping that she meant drunk on the pleasure of meeting us and not completely shit faced on vodka shots! Costas also has his car there as there are too many of us to get in one car, and we all hang back to decide which of us is to take our life in our hands and go in the car with Patty. I draw the shortest straw by virtue of the fact I only have one child and everyone else has more, the logic behind this being that if I should die my husband could just about manage to look after our daughter on his own as crap as he is, but the others’ husbands would be incapable of dealing with their broods so I have the pleasure of sitting in the front next to Patty clutching desperately at the handle over my head as we career madly down the bumpy Cretan roads – wishing fervently that I had never come, or at the very least I had triplets and could have gone in the car with Costas!

We arrive miraculously at the hotel in one piece and I stumble out of the car and just about kiss the ground in gratitude, we are shown to our rooms and I ring my husband, Tony to let him know I have arrived safely. I don’t mention the fact that there was a strong possibility that this may not have been the case as I know he would worry and refuse to let me get in the car with anyone else for the duration of my stay.

“Hello darling, did you arrive safely?” he asks me

“Yes, just got into the hotel room now, how is Caitlin?” I reply

“Missing you, as am I, it seems odd without you here”

“That’s because I never go anywhere and you’re not used to being on your own”

“Yes, probably true, but I hope you have a good time and get a chance to rest”

“Thanks hon, I’ll do my very best, I’d better go, the girls are downstairs at the bar waiting for me”

“Ok, love you”

“Me too, speak to you tomorrow, bye”

I brush my hair and put some lipstick on and head back downstairs feeling warm and safe in the knowledge that they are both missing me at home